


if you filled my heart with love (you'd fill my voids above)

by emptyswimmingpools



Series: questions [2]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Drabble, Introspection, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, POV Second Person, Questions, adam quietly freaking out for 400+ words, prose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-18 02:31:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11281914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emptyswimmingpools/pseuds/emptyswimmingpools
Summary: He lives by his own rules, even if you have his heart in your hands. That's an awful lot of power to have, isn't it?or: questions from adam parrish





	if you filled my heart with love (you'd fill my voids above)

**Author's Note:**

> Part 2 to "[Such Selfish Prayers](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9382028)".

You've worked your life for a clean state but you let yourself drown underwater in his sins. You could swim up for air if you wanted, but why would you?

He loves you so intensely it feels like a punch in the gut. You weren't raised to be a loving creature - far from it - and you don't quite think you're capable; he'd stay with you anyway, but he doesn't deserve it. You're always left doubled over, wondering,  _Can I love him in the same way?_

He always avoids responding when you ask if he's OK. You know when something's up, you know  _him_ \- but he'll tell you in his own time. He lives by his own rules, even if you have his heart in your hands. That's an awful lot of power to have, isn't it?

It's been months but you still quiver when he holds your hand, kisses your cheek. You don't understand how he can be so - intimate, and not think about it. Perhaps you've been touch-starved your whole life, but it shouldn't be this  _hard_ to accept a mindless gesture from your  _boyfriend_ , should it?

You catch yourself staring at the sharp angles of his face more than you think you're allowed to. The grin you've became so fond of makes you feel warm inside, though it sends a chill down your spine, too. You couldn't tear your eyes off the tattoo on his back, the muscles on his arms, the glint in his eye if you tried. And though he stares at you too - you can feel his eyes on you, burning a hole in your body - you wonder:  _Am I allowed to_ want  _this?_

His touch is hot, yet you always assume it's going to feel like ice. He's good at hiding behind a bottle, a fist, a snarl you wince at - but he's not all rough. He doesn't hurt like you do - you're quiet, he's  _loud_ \- but you remember: he never feels anything halfway. Sometimes, you wish you were like that; you're too  _tired_ most of the time. You don't think it'll ever go away, it's so bone-deep, living inside you for years on end. You know you bring it on yourself, but will you ever feel awake somewhere other than around him?

(You ask him, one day, "Is it selfish that I love you?"

He looks at you softly, and you know it means he loves you too. He says, "'Course not, asshole. Why'd you think that?")

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, OK, I know it's been 5 months, _I know_. Sometimes life gets ya down.
> 
> I'm on [Tumblr](http://albertorosedne.tumblr.com) if you ever wanna talk. Title is from "[Empty](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRihbH-Mqo4)" by PVRIS (they give me Adam vibes. Just me? IDK). Comments are appreciated x


End file.
